Grief

Grief just sucks! My husband passed away on October 31, 2024. I don’t know how to grieve for him.

It seems like an easy thing to do since we usually have grieved so many other people in our lives by now. It still sucks. There is no real easy way to grieve anyone. Why is it so damn hard, then?

My entire life was turned upside down over his death. He was my everything. I have grown kids and plenty of grandchildren and I love them, but I have loved no one in the same way I loved my husband.

My husband has been ill for a very long time. He struggled every single day of his life and was so done with the struggle but I still wanted him here. I needed him here. His death has shown me how valuable life is and that we should all cherish it. I don’t know how to do that. I never cared much about myself.

I felt sometimes like God was punishing me because our lives got so tough. I kept asking myself what I did to deserve it. Meanwhile, I would not have changed any of that time for anything. Taking care of him was just a part of life and kept him living longer. I wish I had all those times back. All the bandage changes, putting on his socks, helping him clean up, changing the sheets and everything else he went through.

At least for a long time, he wasn’t back and forth into the hospital. I thought he was doing much better. He was starting to feel better again. At least I thought he was. He kept how he was really feeling from me.

On October 25th, we went to his cousins funeral and then to the grave yard to visit his father’s grave. Afterwards, we went to the doctors. He walked inside ok and once he made it into the waiting room, he sad down and stopped breathing. The doctor came rushing out to help and did CPR. He was dead for 2 1/2 minutes before they got a pulse. At the hospital, he died again for 20 minutes. They took him to the worst hospital in our state, so they say. McLaren Oakland.

His last visit in the hospital was so hard for me. He said things I know he didn’t mean. His brain was still foggy from being dead for 20 minutes. He knew who I was but didn’t remember from one minute to the next. His short term memory was horrible and I was so angry because he couldn’t remember each moment. He moved from ICU to step down and then to a regular room. I thought he was going to come home with me. The doctors were shocked he was up talking, eating, and joking with them. They even said he didn’t suffer any brain damage. We even spent our last anniversary in the hospital. 3 days later he died for good.

What hurts the most is that he didn’t die because of his heart, or because of the water that was built up in his system. He died because when he began to choke, the nurse wouldn’t get him some help and thought he was fine. He died choking on phlegm or maybe even those pills she had just gave him after I told her they were crushing his pills in applesauce. She didn’t care when I told her he needed to be suctioned out to open his airway before he died. She was too worried about doing her rounds in the hospital. Nobody in that shit hole cared.

Sure, they pretended to care. They all do to attempt to avoid a lawsuit. Too bad. There is one started.

Because I have had to deal with so much, I’ve had a hard time grieving when I shouldn’t have to. I cry. I throw tantrums. I cry more. Sleep doesn’t come easy. Grief is just too hard right now.

I still have to work my businesses because I have nothing more I can do. Being a Boss Lady isn’t for the weak. I will get through this. I will be strong for my kids. That’s all I can do.